The Gang's All Here!

The Gang's All Here!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Reality Bites

It's chemo day, can you hear my excitement (read: sarcasm)? So, I'm writing this from my chemo recliner. I'm happy to report that I'm feeling like myself (that's maybe a good thing, I'm not sure) and doing okay. Steve is here with me today which is awesome. I'm not sure how I would have managed by myself, at least for this first treatment.

What I've realized over the past day or two, is that this battle is going to be as much mental, if not more so, as physical. I really thought that I had dealt with the worst of my emotions; fear, doubt, and anger. However, yesterday when I reported for my chemo class, I felt them all come raging back. The nurse was talking about my treatment and showing me all of the literature. I was listening but I really couldn't hear her because my heart was racing, the room was starting to spin and I felt like I was suffocating. Oh my god, this is me she's talking about! I have cancer and tomorrow I begin chemotherapy. My life is literally no longer in my control. It took every ounce of strength I had to not get up and walk out, thanks but no thanks, I'll figure something else out. Of course I stayed and I made it through the session but my heart wasn't in it. Reality has set in and like it or not, this is set of cards I've been dealt. It would be so easy to fold my hand and throw in the towel. But, I'm made of stronger stuff than that and this fight isn't just about me. I'm doing it for my family, especially Stella and Simon. They deserve to grow up with a mom and a dad. Who else is going to embarass the daylights out of them? I'm going to fight because I've got something to prove, to myself and everyone else battling cancer. Last night was tough, and all I really wanted to do was wallow (and play Angry Birds, but I digress...). Luckily for me last night, we had some family arrive in town to help us out, complete with my two nieces who are too stinking cute. It was the perfect distraction, along with a glass or two of champange. Liquid courage is important too! So, Stella and Simon are at home today having a blast and it's so great to know they're having fun.

The overflow of love and support, prayers and hope that we receive each day is just so wonderful, especially on days like today. I can't express truly how much the texts, messages, calls and Facebook rally cries really mean to me. I re-read all of the posts and messages today and it feels like you all are here with me, which is such a cool feeling. So, thank you to everyone for helping me through when I've needed it the most. I'll be honest, when my chemo started this morning, I just cried. This has been such an overwhelming two weeks for all of us. But, I had Steve here by my side and through my tears I felt another hand grip mine, my nurse. I don't share this to make you sad, but to express just how grateful I am to have so much support, offered whenever I need it. That's a pretty fantastic feeling.

So, as I sit here letting the drugs invade my body, I thought I'd mention that my chemo experience hasn't really been anything like Samantha's on Sex & The City. No one was sitting around eating popsicles looking fabulous, but that's okay. I have a pretty good view of the Atlanta skyline which is nice. I'm on some of the same drugs as Whiteney Houston, that's pretty wild, right? Don't worry, I'm not going to throw down some shots and jump up onto a bar, I don't have the time... It's been great to sit back and listen to music. I've always used music as an escape. I was trying to think of a song that would apply to my situation and I've found many.

My treatment is almost complete for today and I'm ready to hit the road. I'm anxious to see how I'll feel over the coming days. Lastly, a big shout out to Steve for being the most loving, tolerant (me, moody, are you kidding???) and patient husband alive. I know it's cheesy, but if I could call up a radio station and dedicate "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz to him I would do it! That song is just so us right now. He would be mortified but we could sure use a good laugh right now...


  1. I was thinking about you today. I hope you don't feel too crappy in the next few days and I'm glad family is there to help! Families are the best!

  2. We love you Erin! We know you had a big day yesterday..... so glad you have family there right now for support and all of us are here for you in state, out of state, we are all sending healing thoughts and prayers your way! YOu go girl we are cheering you on!