The Gang's All Here!

The Gang's All Here!

Friday, November 9, 2012

A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today I gave birth to our sweet Simon. It's amazing how much has changed over the past year. As you know, Simon's birth was no cakewalk and having him spend seven days in the NICU (he was 5 weeks early) was torture (ask a parent of any preemie and they'll tell you how hard it is...and we were not there long at all in the grand scheme of things). Stella also spent time in the NICU, but only 5 days. It was awful leaving the hospital without a baby the first time, the second time was just devestating. But, Simon has thrived and is a happy boy these days.

It's interesting looking back to this time a year ago. I thought I had it all figured out, since we already had Stella and she had been (this is certainly not the case now...) a breeze as a baby. Oh that silly Fate sure threw us a curve ball with Simon. For everything that Stella was easy, Simon was a complete mess. The first few months were really tough, it seemed like all he did was scream and was never happy unless he was swaddled. Once we finally figured out he had reflux and got him on some meds, he was a different kid. I will say that Simon is either deleriously happy or furious these days, he doesn't really have any gray area. But, luckily most of the time, he's a happy, smiley little guy. His favorite activity is scaling the room. He can pretty much get wherever he needs to go, it's pretty fun to watch.

I've felt a lot of guilt over this past year. Yes, I know that having cancer isn't my fault, etc, etc, but it's hard not to feel like I've let him down because I haven't been able to be 100% me. We've made it work, but a part of me is so frustrated that he's had to go through this (as well as the rest of our family). I met a lady at the cancer center this week who has a 5 month old and a two year old. She's going through chemo and radiation at the same time (I can't even imagaine...). She's very sick but she puts on a good face. I was thinking how hard it must be for her going through this with a 5 month old, and then I was like, oh yeah, Simon was 2 months old when I started chemo and Stella had just turned two... That being said, there were many, many times over the past year that I wished that Simon could have been as laid back and easy as Stella was. But, you know what? I think it's actually been a blessing that he has been so challenging. He was the distraction I needed and I didn't have (much) time to dwell on the fact that I had cancer and was going through treatment. No time to feel sorry for myself because I had a screaming baby and a two year old who's idea of naptime was (is) equivalent to an episode of romper room.

So, yes, I never would have chosen this path for myself or my family, but I think we're stronger because of it. It's been pointed out to me by several of my doctors that having Simon probably saved my life. I'll never really be able to tell him (or Stella) how much I love him and am so honored to be his mom.  Everyday I thank my lucky stars for this little miracle we call Simon. Happy Birthday little man!

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