The Gang's All Here!

The Gang's All Here!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Guilty Pleasure

I apologize in advance for this post, as I'm almost certain the sappy level will be borderline nauseating... However, my feelings are pretty intense and emotional at the moment, so I thought I'd share them will all of you.

Saturday is Simon's birthday - he's turning 2. How in the world is he already 2? Wasn't he just born a couple of months ago?!?!? I was chatting with a fellow mom today as we were walking in to school to pick up our kids. She asked me how I was feeling about Simon turning two. It was a perfectly worded question, because honestly, I've been feeling sad about this birthday for him. I remember being so excited for Stella when she turned 2, she was becoming such a big girl and learning so many new things. It's not that Simon isn't doing these same things, but I guess I'm having trouble saying good-bye to the baby years. He's my youngest and it's hard to think that before long he's not going to want to snuggle, and enjoy that "mammmma" time that we spend together each morning before her royal highness, (AKA Stella) makes her entrance. I'd also like to add that I cannot wait for Stella to turn 4, the 3's have certainly not been my favorite age.

Something I've been thinking an awful lot about this week is Simon's journey into the world to now. It's not at all like I would have wanted it to be, and yet, here we are. This is difficult for me to admit, but I also feel that it's worth sharing, in case anyone ever finds themselves in a similar situation. I consider both Stella and Simon the greatest accomplishments in my life. They will always be the two parts I did right, no matter how you add things up. I struggle with so much guilt when it comes to Simon. I was diagnosed with an extremely serious type of cancer when he was two months old. I've mentioned several times in the past that my doctors told me that having him probably saved my life.  As a result, I think of Simon as my guardian angel. Cheesy as that might sound, without him, I very likely may not be sitting here typing this today. That's a pretty big title for such a little guy.

So why do I feel guilty? Mostly because I feel like he was robbed of the mom I was "supposed" to be. Because of my cancer treatments, I wasn't giving 100% of myself, because I couldn't. No, I wasn't sick, but I sure didn't feel like a million bucks. The exhaustion alone was enough to send me precariously close to the edge of hopelessness. Obviously, I realize that the situation was beyond my control, but it still happened. I also realize that I'm being hard on myself, and very likely irrational, no surprise there. The fact remains, that I have these feelings of guilt because I wasn't half the mom to Simon that I was to Stella when she was that age. With Stella I was enthusiastic, well read in the months of what to expect for each stage that first year and made all of her baby food while working a full time job. For the first year of Simon's life, it was all I could do to get him to eat solids (at 8 months, he finally resigned himself to trying solids and ate a bagel...). I would walk around Target aimlessly just trying to keep myself in motion. Play time included me lying on the floor next to him, hoping that he knew how much I really, really wanted to be the mom I wanted to be, and I just couldn't. It really pisses me off how much of his first year was me just trying to survive.

Somehow, through all of the insanity of the past 22 months, Simon has turned into an absolutely amazing kid. His smile would melt a stick of butter in a second. Kids are resilient when it comes down to it. But, even though I know he won't remember the mom I wasn't his first year, I do. It's my guilt, justified or not, that propels me forward, striving to be the best mom I can every day now. That's a bitter pill to swallow, but I also acknowledge the motivation this guilt has spurned inside me. And for that, I'm thankful. A special thank you to Simon for bringing such joy, patience (more than I could ever known!), and love into my heart. I hope one day Simon will realize just how much I appreciate everything he has done for me. Love is a powerful thing :)





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